Miscellaneous Notes about Life, the Universe and Everything
42
A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. (attributed to Yogi Berra but?)
No one lives here anymore. It is too crowded. (attributed to Yogi Berra but?)
If you don't know where you are going, you might wind up somewhere else. (attributed to Yogi Berra but?)
Committee - a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done. (Fred Allen)
An economist is someone who states the obvious in terms of the incomprehensible. (Alfred Knopf)
If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion. (George Bernard Shaw)
It is no trick to make a lot of money if all you want is to make a lot of money. (Citizen Kane)
All it takes is two inches of snow for the thin veneer of civilization to crumble.
I'll have a cafe mocha vodka valium latte to go please.
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. (Herm Albright)
The goal is to die young as late as possible. (George H. W. Bush)
Don't let people who don't matter too much matter too much. (Wes Moore)
It all begins and ends in your mind. What you give power to, has power over you, if you allow it.
Don't wear your wishbone where your back bone should be. (Elizabeth Gordon??)
The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up and does not stop until you get into the office. (Robert Frost)
Our business in life is not to succeed, but to continue to fail in good spirits. (Robert Louis Stevenson)
I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious. (Albert Einstein)
Dew not trussed yore spell chequer two fined awl yore mistakes. (Brendan Hills)
There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so. (William Shakespeare)
I before E --- Except when your foreign neighbor Keith receives eight counterfeit beige sleighs from feisty caffeinated weight lifters. Weird.
Enough research will tend to support your theory. (Murphy's Law of Research)
My ability to remember song lyrics from the 80's far exceeds my ability to remember why I walked into the kitchen.
The persuasive power of facts is over-rated. (George Will)
Ignorance is the softest pillow on which a man can rest his head. (Jefferson quoting Montaigne)
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
Treason doth never prosper. What's the reason? For if it prosper, none dare call it treason. (Sir John Harrington)
Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. (Benjamin Franklin)
When asked how fascism starts, Bertrand Russell replied:"First, they fascinate the fools. Then they muzzle the intelligent."
Most of the biggest contributions and worst messes in history were made by minds that were either devious or literal.
In our tenure on this planet, we've accumulated dangerous evolutionary baggage - the propensity for agression and ritual, submission to leaders, hostility to outsiders - all of which puts our survival in some doubt. (Carl Sagan)
Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists somewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us. (Calvin and Hobbes)
I marvel at how near the surface in all of us the old fighting instinct lies, and how slight an appeal will wake it up. Once really awakened, there is no retreat. (William James)
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense. (Tom Clancy)
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. (Terry Pratchett)
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe. (Albert Einstein)
Jefferson called Adams’s proposal “the most superlatively ridiculous thing I ever heard of. It is a proof the more of the justice of the character given by Dr. Franklin of my friend: ‘Always an honest man, often a great one, but sometimes absolutely mad.’ ”
It is anticipation and not the pain itself that breeds fear. (Hammond Innes)
Reason is one of the feeblest of Nature's resources. (William James)
The rich rob the poor and the poor rob one another. (Sojourner Truth)
It's easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled. (Mark Twain)
The fact that you are right doesn't mean I'm wrong. You just haven't seen life from my side.
Think before you speak. (T) Is it true? (H) Is it helpful? (I) Does it inspire? (N) Is is necessary? (K) Is it kind?
It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so. (Mark Twain)
Confidence is the feeling you have right before you fully understand the situation.
If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you really are. (H. N. Turtelaub)
Frog parking only. All others will be toad.
I want to grow my own food but I can't find any bacon seeds.
This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
I checked into the hokey-pokey clinic and I turned myself around.
I refuse to hate police officers. I refuse to hate muslims. I refuse to hate black people. I refuse to hate gay people. I refuse to hate people. I refuse to hate.
It is a condition of monsters that they do not perceive of themselves as such. The dragon, you know, hunkered in the village devouring maidens, heard the townsfolk cry "Monster!", and looked behind him. (Daughter of Smoke and Bone)
Fame is a vapor, popularity is an accident, riches take wing, those who cheer today may curse tomorrow and only one thing endures - character. (Harry Truman)
We ought not to fight them at all unless We determine to fight them forever. (John Adams referring to the Barbary pirates)
"I'd rather lie to him than have him think I'm lying." (Nick Charles in the Thin Man)
I have seen wicked men and fools, a great many of both; and I believe they both get paid in the end; but the fools first. (Robert Louis Stevenson)
In the end, it will be impossible to know if we overreacted or did too much, but it will be QUITE apparent if we under reacted or did too little. (Darrin Peppard - West Grand (Colorado) Superintendent)
As an American, you have the right to not wear a mask, but, just like you, businesses have the right to not serve you and I have the right to not associate with you. You can't have it both ways. You are free to make a choice, but that means accepting the consequences of your actions and recognizing my freedoms. Screeaming at employees and businesses for protecting their workers and cutomers does not make you a patriot. It makes you an asshole. Don't makistake inconvenience for oppression.
But that's why God made people young at first, to get the doing done. (Simon the Fidler)
All men are liable to error; and most men are, in many points, by passion or interest, under temptation to it. (John Locke)
We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools. (MLK)
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. (Bill Cosby)
In the affluent society no useful distinction can be made between luxuries and necessaries. (JK Galbraith)
This is the thing with ideologues, [they] keep closing their eyes and their ears and put their head in the sand until it is almost too late, and then do a last-minute turnaround,” the analyst says. “They’ve done this again and again.”
I tremble for my country when I think we may, in fact, get the kind of leaders we deserve. (Thomas Jefferson ??)
The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too. (Oscar Levant)
In America, anyone can become President. That's the problem. (George Carlin)
No treaty is ever an impediment to a cheat. (Sophocles)
I solemly swear that I am up to no good. (Seen on a dog tag)
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of hand guns and tequila. (Mitch Radcliffe)
Damn computer keeps saying I have mail, but I've walked out to the mailbox 10 times today and there is nothing in there.
Mele kalikimaka (Merry Christmas in Hawaii)
Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do. (Golda Mier)
I see that you are married, so you already know that anything you say can and will be used against you.
Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination. (Mark Twain)
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
I constantly worry about the safety of my children. Like especially the one who's been rolling her eyes and talking back to me.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
A wise man once said that to do a great and important work, two things are necessary: a definite plan, and not quite enough time. (R. C. Shafer)
Beer: the reason I get up every afternoon.
A goal without a plan is a wish.
In preparing for battle I have always found that plans are useless but planning is indispensable. (Dwight D. Eisenhower)
Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face. (Mike Tyson)
Dogs prepare you for babies. Cats prepare you for teenagers.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
Stop making stupid people famous.
Who hates speeding tickets? Raise your right foot.
Adam and Eve ignored Apple's Terms and Conditions and look what happened.
Why am I the only naked person at this gender reveal party.
Please remember what the valet who parked your car looks like because we don't have valet parking.
Ditcher, Quick and Hyde: Divorce Lawyers
If you can't convince them, confuse them. (Harry Truman)
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute if you want to skydive twice.
Poop jokes are not my favorite kind of jokes, but they are a solid #2.
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
Never trouble trouble til trouble troubles you.
I'm supposed to respect my elders, but now it's getting harder and harder for me to find one.
Love is the virtue of the heart. Sincerity is the virtue of the mind. Decision is the virtue of the will. Courage is the virtue of the spirit. (Frank Lloyd Wright).
Never make a defense or apology before you be accused. (King Charles I)
Fate has fickled its finger at me. (Fibber McGee)
A bargain is when they give you two of something you don't want with something you gotta have for half again what you'd have to pay if you went to someplace you'd rather go to if it wasn't raining. (Fibber McGee)
The Republican tendency is to believe in anything that comforts, and deny what discomforts, so that unpleasant truths are simply ignored.
Cocaine is god's way of saying you make too much money. (Robin Williams)
Everyone who receives the protection of society owes a return for the benefit. (John Stuart Mill)
Don't let perfect be the enemy of good. (Dilbert)
It is hard to win an argument with a smart person. It is damned near impossible to win an argument with a stupid one. (Bill Murray)
Pessimists are usually right and optimists are usually wrong but all the great changes have been accomplished by optimists. (Thomas Friedman)
Did not God sometimes withhold in mercy what we ask, we should be ruined at our own request. (Hannah More)
A venerable caution will forever be true when advice from Wall Street is contemplated: Don't ask the barber whether you need a haircut. (Warren Buffet)
I'm not bossy! ... I have skills!! ... Leadership skills!!! ... Understand????
Always give 100% at work: Monday 11%, Tuesday 24%, Wednesday 40%, Thursday 23%, Friday 2%.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back to you it was yours and will always be yours. If it never returns it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits there in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and never appears to know that you actually set it free in the first place you either married it or gave birth to it.
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Dyna-flex super flowing unijet turbo vasculator which is synchro-meshed with the multicoil hydrotension dual vacuum dynamometer.
I before e - Except when your neighbor Keith receives eight counterfeit beige sleighs from feisty caffeinated weighlifters. Weird.
I wish I had a salary that disgusted people.
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat. She said it rang a bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
If you can't say something nice, say something clever but devastating.
I don't think we get smarter as we get older. We just run out of stupid things to do.
Hi, Sorry about the silly arguement we had last night. BTW, I'll be working late tonight so I left your dinner on the stove. All you have to do is light the stove. The gas is already on. Love, me.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is you are stupid and make bad decisions.
Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage. (Bierce)
Men don't talk face to face. They talk shoulder to shoulder.
As the praying mantis said,"I might as well stay and have one more beer. The wife's going to chew my head off when I get home anyway."
If you want to read about love and marraige, you've got to buy two separate books. (Alan King)
I am silently correcting your grammar.
Indecision may or may not be my problem. (Jimmy Buffet)
A closed mouth don't get fed. (American folk saying)
Golf was invented by the Dutch in hopes that the Scots would forget bagpipes.
The Scots invented whiskey beause they also invented haggis. (Alec Trebec)
Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic? (Lily Tomlin)
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? (George Carlin)
I'm going to stop asking "how dumb can you get?" People seem to be taking it as a challenge.
Anything you have to acquire a taste for was not meant to be eaten. (Eddie Murphy)
A good way to prepare for parenthood is to talk to rocks, because they have similar listening habits.
Parenting: Updating your child's wardrobe every three months while still wearing what you wore in 2005.
I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one.
A cold seat in a public restroom is unpleasant. A warm seat is worse.
Apparently RSVP’ing to a wedding invitation, "Maybe next time," isn’t the correct response.
Don’t irritate old people. The older we get the less “life in prison” is a deterrent.
Have you ever listened to someone for a minute and thought, “Their cornbread ain’t done in the middle.”
Aliens probably fly by earth and lock their doors.
I asked my wife if I was the only one she had been with. She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.
It turns out that being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
As I watch this generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I’m sure of… it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, “That can’t be accurate.”
I thought getting old would take longer.
My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you. I took her to Subway.
Picked up a hitchhiker. He asked if I wasn’t afraid he might be a serial killer? I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.
I went line dancing last night. OK, it was a roadside sobriety test
When was your bread baked?: Blue - Monday / Green - Tuesday / Red - Thursday / White - Friday / Yellow - Saturday.
I do believe that the buck stops here, that I cannot rely upon public opinion polls to tell me what is right. I do believe that right makes might and that if I am wrong, 10 angels swearing I was right would make no difference. (Gerald Ford)
So little time ... So little to do ... (Oscar Levant)
Stamp > Licky Sticky / Defib > Hearty Starty / Bee > Fuzzy Buzzy / Pregnancy Test > Maybe Baby / Bra > Breastie Nestie / Socks > Heatie Feetie.
Laws are generally found to be nets of such texture, as the little creep through, the great break through, and the middle-sized alone are entangled in. (William Shenstone)
His explanations explanatory of explanations explained are interminable. (Abrham Lincoln)
Honestly, if I were two-faced, would I be showing you this one? (Abraham Lincoln)
Celebrate what you've accomplished, but raise the bar a little higher each time you succeed. (Mia Hamm)
Oh, I can become impatient or irritated, but a basic sense of life's basic absurdity soon makes me smile at circumstances. (Sam Siciliano)
It is not what you are, it's what you don't become that hurts. (Oscar Levant)
Leonard Berstein is revealing secrets that have been common knowledge for centuries. (Oscar Levant)
ACCIDENT, n., An inevitable occurence due to the action of immutable natural laws. (Ambrose Bierce)
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation. (Saki)
Though you can believe what you choose, you must believe what you ought. (Cardinal Newman)
When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
A joke doesn't become a dad joke until is full groan.
When you said things would be different after June, Julyed.
If a cow doesn't give milk is it called a milk dud or an udder failure.
Frog parking only - all others will be toad.
Boss: "Why do you only get sick on weekdays?" Me: "It must be my weekend immune system."
I heard the word "icy" is easy to spell. Now that I look at it, I see why.
That awkward moment that the brain-eating zombie walked right by me.
I never get anything done. I am a black belt in the partial arts.
I spotted an albino dalmation today. It was the least I could do.
I had a pelican steak for lunch. It was really good but the bill was enormous.
Shout out to those who don't know what "not in" means.
I have a friend who talks to his garden. Yes, Jack and the beans talk.
The world does not owe you anything. You are not a loan.
Ignorance can be educated. Crazy can be medicated. But there ain't no cure for stupid.
Do not drink and wrap presents. Also, if anyone gets a remote control for Christmas, I'm gonna need that back.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the Moon? Great food - No atmosphere.
I scream. You scream. The police come. It's awkward.
To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness. I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."
I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator.
Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say: "close enough."
Being an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done.
I'm a multitasker. I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!
At my funeral, take the bouquet from my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Went to an antique show and people were bidding on me.
I won't say I'm worn out, but I don't get near the curb on trash day.
Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.
I'd grow my own food if only I could find bacon seeds.
This is my step ladder - I never knew my real ladder.
I checked into the hokey-pokey clinic - I turned myself around.
My wife said I never listen to her. Or soemthing like that.
Losing weight doesn't seem to be working for me, so from now I'm going to concentrate on getting taller.
A sign in a shoe repair shop: We will heel you. We will save your sole. We will even dye for you.
A sign at an eye clinic: If you don't see what you are looking for, you've come to the right place.
A sign in a restaurant window: Don't stand there and be hungry. Come in and get fed up.
A sign in front of a funeral home: Drive carefully. We'll wait.
Some people are like clouds, once they disappear it's a beautiful day.
Why look for conspiracy when stupidity can explain so much. (Hanlon's razor)
My body is a temple, ancient and crumbling, perhaps cursed or haunted.
Common sense is not a gift. It's a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn't have it.
Arguing with idiots is like playing chess with a pigeon ... No matter how good you are, the pigeon will shit on the board and strut around like it won anyway.
PLEASE KEEP YOUR DISTANCE. Nothing to do with viruses. I'm just a grouch.
I came. I saw. I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps. Got lost on the way back. Now I have no idea what's going on.
I've often been asked, "What do you old folks do now that you are retired?" Well ... I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and vodka into urine. I do it every day and I really enjoy it.
Carry binoculars when hiking so when you make frequent stops, it looks like you are appreciating nature - not fighting for air.
I run like the winded.
I am not sure if we get wiser as we get older or if we just run out of stupid things to do.
Anything invented between when you were 15 and 35 is new and revolutionary and exciting, and you'll probably get a career out of it. Anything invented after you're 35 is against the natural order of things. (Douglas Adams)
When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
1 finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
Why do men have birthdays. It's not like they are growing up.
When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
Be strong, but not rude; be kind, but not weak; be humble, but not shy; be proud, but not arrogant.
My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
“How to win in life:
1 work hard
2 complain less
3 listen more
4 try, learn, grow
5 don't let people tell you it can't be done
6 make no excuses”
(Germany Kent)
My Four Moods
1. I need coffee.
2. I need a nap.
3. I need a vacation.
4. I need duct tape, rope and a shovel.
Years ago, anthropologist Margaret Mead was asked by a student what she considered to be the first sign of civilization in a culture. Mead said that the first sign of civilization in an ancient culture was a femur (thighbone) that had been broken and then healed. Mead explained that in the animal kingdom, if you break your leg, you die. You cannot run from danger, get to the river for a drink or hunt for food. You are meat for prowling beasts. No animal survives a broken leg long enough for the bone to heal.A broken femur that has healed is evidence that someone has taken time to stay with the one who fell, has bound up the wound, has carried the person to safety and has tended the person through recovery. Helping someone else through difficulty is where civilization starts, Mead said. "We are at our best when we serve others. Be civilized.
Funny Signs
Your GPS is wrong. Turn around. (Alternative to Private Property sign.)
Not homeless. Wife in Target 2+ hours. Please help.
Remember what the valet who parked your care looks like. We do not have valet parking.
Unattended children will be given an energy drink and taught to swear.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to see it a miniature schnauzer 500 miles away will bark at it.
I accidentally used the dog's shampoo. Now I'm feeling like such a good boy.
Taking long walks feels great, unless you compare it to not taking a long walk.
The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a tune but the chickpeas can only hummus one.
Dr. Pepper is a Fizzician.
"I'm sorry." Said no cat ever.
I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.
If you are chased by a pack of taxidermists do not play dead.
𝐎𝐥𝐝 𝐇𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐛𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐖𝐢𝐬𝐝𝐨𝐦:
Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
Keep skunks, bankers, and politicians at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
If you don't take the time to do it right, you'll find the time to do it twice.
Don't corner something that is meaner than you.
Don’t pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he’ll just kill you.
It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
Every path has a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
Don't be banging your shin on a stool that's not in the way.
Borrowing trouble from the future doesn't deplete the supply.
Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway.
Don’t judge folks by their relatives.
Silence is sometimes the best answer.
Don‘t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t botherin' you none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you’ll ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every mornin’.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Good judgment comes from experience, and most of that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.
If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.
Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
Most times, it just gets down to common sense.
Jeff Foxworthy - If you live in Washington ...
If someone in a Lowes/Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there ...you live in Washington.
If you've worn shorts, flip-flops and a warm-jacket at the same time, you live in Washington.
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed the wrong number, you live in Washington.
If you measure distance in hours, you live in Washington.
If you measure distance in hours, you live in Washington.
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you live in Washington.
If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' and back again in the same day, you live in Washington.
If you can drive through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in Eastern Washington.
If you get your kid's Halloween costumes to fit over 2 layers of clothes or under a raincoat, you live in Washington.
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction, you live in Washington.
If you feel guilty throwing bottles, cans or paper in the trash, you live in Washington.
If you know more than 10 ways to order coffee, you live in Washington.
If you know more people who own boats than have air conditioning, you live in Washington.
If you stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk" signal, you live in Washington.
If you consider that if it has no snow on it (or has not recently erupted), that it is not a ‘real’ mountain, then you live in Washington.
If you can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best, and Tullys, you live in Washington.
If you know the difference between Chinook, Coho and Sockeye salmon, you live in Washington.
If you know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Snoqualamie, Wenatchee , Spokane , Umpqua, Yakima and Willamette, you live in Washington.
If you consider swimming an indoor sport, you live in Washington.
If you can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese, Korean, Vietnamese and Thai food, you live in Washington.
If you never go camping without a tarp and waterproof matches on you, you live in Washington.
If you have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain, you live in Washington.
If you think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists, you definitely live in Washington.
If you buy new sunglasses every single year because you cannot find the old ones after such a long time, then you live in Washington.
If you actually understand these jokes ...and forward them to all your Washington friends, you live or have lived in Washington
Golf Rules
A two-foot putt counts the same as a two-foot drive.
There is no such thing as a friendly wager.
The only sure way to get a par is to leave a four-foot birdie putt two inches short of the hole.
One birdie is a hot streak.
Never wash your ball on the tee of a water hole.
Church Bulletin Quotes
The sermon this morning:"Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight:"Searching for Jesus."
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again", giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on Ocrober 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5 PM. Prayer and medication to follow.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7PM there will be hymn singing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7PM. Please use the back door
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I upped my pledge - Up Yours'."
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
Advice for golfers
Back Straight, knees bent, feet at shoulder width apart.
Use a loose grip.
Keep your head down.
Avoid a quick back swing.
Stay out of the water.
Try not to hit anyone.
If you are taking too long let others go ahead of you.
Don't stand diretly in front of others.
Quiet please ... while others are preparing.
Don't take extra strokes.
Well Done ... Now flush the urinal, wash your hands, go outside and tee off.
Insults
He had delusions of adequacy. (Walter Kerr)
He was all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. (Winston Churchill)
I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. (Clarence Darrow)
He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary. (William Faulkner about Ernest Hemmingway)
Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words. (Ernest Hemmingway about William Faulkner)
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it. (Moses Hadas)
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. (Mark Twain)
He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends. (Oscar Wilde)
I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one. (George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill)
Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second night ... if there is one. (Winston Churchill to George Bernard Shaw)
I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here. (Stephen Bishop)
He is self-made man and worships his creator. (John Bright)
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial. (Irvin S. Cobb)
He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others. (Samuel Johnson)
He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up. (Paul Keating)
He loves nature in spite of what it did to him. (Forest Tucker)
His mother should have thrown him out and kept the stork. (Mae West)
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenver they go. (Oscar Wilde)
He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp posts ... for support rather than illumination. (Andrew Lang)
He has Van Gogh's ear for music. (Billy Wilder)
I've had a perfectly wonerful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it. (Groucho Marx)
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison." He said, "If you were my wife I would drink it." (exchange between Winston Churchill and Lady Astor)
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know. (Abraham Lincoln)
There's nothing wrong with you that re-incarnation won't cure. (Jack E. Leonard)
He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them. (James Reston about Richard Nixon)
Astute Quotes
“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire
“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein
“War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.” – Ambrose Bierce
“It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.” – Andy Borowitz
“At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.” – Ann Landers
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.” – Ashleigh Brilliant
“Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?” – Benny Hill
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” – Bill Watterson
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.” – Caroline Rhea
“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” – Casey Stengel
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.” – Dave Barry
“How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.” – Emo Philips
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.” – George Burns
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.” – Benjamin Franklin
Understanding Engineers
Percussive Maintenance (I hit it and it started working)
Cycle Power to the Panel (Turn it off and on again)
High Impedence Air-gap (I forgot to plug it in)
Organic Grounding (I electrocuted myself)
Thermally Reconfigured (It melted)
Kenetic Disassembly (It blew up)
Thermal Shock (It burned)
Great green globs of greasy, grimy gopher guts, Mutilated monkey meat. Dirty little birdie feet. Great green globs of greasy, grimy gopher guts, And me without my spoon.[6]
Now is the time to visit all the celebrated places in the country and fill our heads with what we have seen, so that when we become old and bald we will have something to talk about over our tea cups. (Jippensha Ikku)
First we'll use Spahn then we'll use Sain
Then a day off followed by rain.
Back will come Spahn followed by Sain
And followed we hope by two days of rain.
Baseball's Sad Lexicon
These are the saddest of possible words:
"Tinker to Evers to Chance."
Trio of bear cubs, and fleeter than birds,
Tinker and Evers and Chance.
Ruthlessly pricking our gonfalon bubble,
Making a Giant hit into a double �
Words that are heavy with nothing but trouble:
"Tinker to Evers to Chance."
Who burned Sheryl’s She Shed?
It's almost 2019, and I still have many unanswered questions!!!! I haven’t found out who let the dogs out...where’s the beef...how to get to Sesame Street... why Dora doesn’t just use Google Maps...Why do all flavors of fruit loops taste exactly the same, or how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop......why eggs are packaged in a flimsy carton, but batteries are secured in plastic that’s tough as nails...what does the fox say... why “abbreviated” is such a long word; or why is there a D in ‘fridge’ but not in refrigerator... why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons... why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections... and, why do you have to “put your two cents in” but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts” where’s that extra penny going to... why does The Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune... why did you just try to sing those two previous songs... and just what exactly is Victoria’s secret? and where is Waldo?... Can you hear me now?...This is the law of the Yukon,
and ever she makes it plain:
"Send not your foolish and feeble;
send me your strong and your sane."
UPS Tracking: "Your package is in X city in a truck driven by Bob and will be at your door at 2:37PM.
Fedex: "Your package is coming. You'll get it when we get it to you."
USPS: "You ordered something?"
Amazon: "We're inside your house."
Facebook: "We know you were just thinking about getting a toaster oven. Here are 15 ads for toaster ovens."
There is no Frigate like a Book (1286) By Emily Dickinson
There is no Frigate like a Book
To take us Lands away
Nor any Coursers like a Page
Of prancing Poetry –
This Traverse may the poorest take
Without oppress of Toll –
How frugal is the Chariot
That bears the Human Soul –
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
Be Impeccable with your word - - Speak with integrity - Say only what you mean - Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others - Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
Don't take anything personnally - - Nothing others do is beause of you - What others say and do is a projetion of their own reality, their own dream - When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others you won't be the victim of needless suffering.
Don't make assumptions - - Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want - Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama - With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
Always do your best - - Your best is going to change from moment to moment: it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick - Under any circumstances, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgement, self-abuse and regret.
There you have the man! Always clever and unanswerable when he was defending nonsense and wickedness: always awkward and sullen when he had to behave sensibly and decently! (Shaw, George Bernard. Major Barbara)
...these disputing, contradicting, and confuting people are generally unfortunate in their affairs. They get victory sometimes, but they never get good will, which would be of more use to them. (The Autbiography of Benjamin Franklin)
Those who govern, having much business on their hands, do not generally like to take the trouble of considering and carrying into execution new projects. The best public measures are therefore seldom adopted from previous wisdom, but forc'd by the occasion. (The Autbiography of Benjamin Franklin)
1. Temperance. Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation.
2. Silence. Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation.
3. Order. Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time.
4. Resolution. Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve.
5. Frugality. Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself; i.e., waste nothing.
6.Industry. Lose no time; be always employ'd in something useful; cut off all unnecessary actions.
7. Sincerity. Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly.
8. Justice. Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the benefits that are your duty.
9. Moderation. Avoid extreams; forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve.
10. Cleanliness. Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, cloaths, or habitation.
11. Tranquillity. Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable.
12. Chastity. Rarely use venery but for health or offspring, never to dulness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another's peace or reputation.
13. Humility. Imitate Jesus and Socrates.
(The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin)
Andrew Jackson's mother's last words to him: Andrew, if I should not see you again I wish you to remember and treasure up some things I have already said to you: In this world you will have to make your own way. To do that you must have friends. You can make friends by being honest, and you can keep them by being steadfast. You must keep in mind that friends worth having will in the long run expect as much from you as they give to you. To forget an obligation or be ungrateful for a kindness is a base crime—not merely a fault or a sin, but an actual crime. Men guilty of it sooner or later must suffer the penalty. In personal conduct be polite, but never obsequious. No one will respect you more than you esteem yourself. Avoid quarrels as long as you can without yielding to imposition. But sustain your manhood always. Never bring a suit at law for assault and battery or for defamation. The law affords no remedy for such outrages that can satisfy the feelings of a true man. Never wound the feelings of others. Never brook wanton outrage upon your own feelings. If you ever have to vindicate your feelings or defend your honor, do it calmly. If angry at first, wait till your wrath cools before you proceed. Brands, H. W.. Andrew Jackson (p. 31). Knopf Doubleday Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.
Alexis de Tocqueville was too young to have witnessed the degenerative process in France, having been born after Napoleon seized power. But he assumed that the same influences — self-interest, demagoguery, ignorance — that had subverted popular government in his own country would tend to do so in America. Brands, H. W.. Andrew Jackson (p. 455). Knopf Doubleday Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.
I thank you lord for this wonderful day,
I had a fine time at work and at play,
I tried to be good and do what was right,
Please stay with me, lord, all through the night.
Warren Buffet - 10 Things People Learn Too Late
Everything is temporary.
Life isn't fair.
Family matters more than friends.
Others treat you the way you treat yourself.
Beneath anger there is always fear.
Happiness is a choice and requires hard work.
A lifetime is so long as you think.
The biggest risk is not taking any risk.
Things don't matter so much.
You played it too safe.
Winston Churchill
These, gentlemen, are the opinions upon which I base my facts. (Winston Churchill)
Diplomacy is the art of telling people to go to hell in such a way that they ask for directions.
You will never reach your destination if you stop and throw stones at every dog that barks.
Fear is a reaction. Courage is a decision.
A nation that forgets its past has no future.
If you're not a liberal at twenty you have no heart. If you're not a conservative at forty, you have no brain.
There is nothing government can give you that it hasn't taken from you in the first place.
Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
One man with conviction will overwhelm a hundred who have only opinions.
However beautiful the strategy, you should occasionally look at the results.
You don't make the poor richer by making the rich poorer.
Life can be either be accepted or changed. If it is not accepted, it must be changed. If it cannot be changed, then it must be accepted.
We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
I'd rather against a hundred idiots, than have one agree with me.
Islam is more dangerous in a man than rabies in a dog.
In the course of my life, I have often had to eat my words, and I must confess that I have always found it a wholesome diet.
Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut.
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.
From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put.
Dogs look up to you. Cats look down on you. Give me a pig! He looks in your eye and treats you as an equal.
You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.
Success is not final, failure is not fatal: It is the courage to continue that counts.
Continuous effort – not strength or intelligence – is the key to unlocking our potential.
History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it.
Quiz Time
1. What kind of coat is always wet when you put it on?
a coat of paint
2. What gets wetter as it dries?
a towel
3. What can you break by doing nothing at all?
a promise
4. What disappears the moment you say its name?
silence
5. What can be cracked, made, told, and played?
a joke
6.What gets bigger the more you remove from it?
a hole
7. What belongs to you but is used more by other people?
your name
8. What word retains the same pronunciation even after you take away four of its five letters?
queue (When you take away four of its letters, you’re left with the letter q.)
9. Which two English words are spelled with all of the vowels (including y) appearing only once and in alphabetical order?
facetiously and abstemiously
10. What is the longest word in English with only one vowel (not including y)?
strengths
11. What is the longest word in English that doesn’t use the vowels a, e, i, o, or u?
rhythms
12. What word meaning “having five syllables” is an example of an autological word—meaning a word that describes itself?
pentasyllabic (Other examples of autological words are adjectival, unhyphenated, pronounceable, and seventeen-lettered).
13. What eight-letter word and nine-letter word both begin and end with h-e?
headache and heartache
14. What solitary five-letter word keeps the same meaning when you remove its first letter, and then again when you remove the first letter of the remaining word?
alone (Remove the a to get lone, then remove the l to get one!)
15. What, when thrown out of a window, leaves a grieving wife, but when dropped in the middle of a door might just save a life?
the letter n (Remove it from window, and you get widow. Add it to door and get donor.)
16. What heavy seven-letter word can you remove one letter from to get the number 80, but remove two letters from to get the number 8?
weighty
17. What seven-letter word would you spell if you started with a two-letter word for a male person, added another letter to form a word for a female person, added another letter to form a word for a great person, and added three more letters to form a word for a great woman?
heroine (The first two letters are he, the first three letters are her, and the first four letters are hero.)
18. What four-letter word in its uppercase form can be written forward, backward, or upside down and can still be read as the same word from left to right?
NOON
19. What common three-letter English verb can become its own past tense form simply by rearranging its letters?
eat (Its past tense is ate.)
20. What do the words in the following sentence have in common? Bad mood naps stop evil.
They all spell another word when reversed.